As I sit here watching the price of petrol soar through the roof because of The Donald’s latest act of inconsequential brainlessness, I have just had a rare moment of clarity and inspiration. It is this.
Why doesn’t he open negotiations with Transport Scotland? Just think about it for a moment, will you?
Here’s the deal. The ‘orange man’ is determined to blockade the Strait of Hormuz, right? For reasons best known to himself, of course. And to do so, he needs to send in half of the US Navy (the other half are presumably up to their eyeballs taking over Venezuela, Greenland and Canada).
So, my suggestion is this. He should consider making immediate contact with the Scottish agency’s interim CEO, in order to request naval assistance from CalMac. I would have suggested missing out the middle man altogether and phoning either CMAL or CalMac directly, but he would probably have received the message, ‘our lines are exceptionally busy at the moment and there are currently more than ten people in the queue’, and I understand that The Donald may not be the world’s most patient man.
So, how could CalMac possibly help to blockade the Strait of Hormuz, I hear you ask? Well, it’s simple, really. Estimates put the number of breakdowns and cancellations due to technical faults on the West of Scotland network at around 18,000 (that’s eighteen thousand!) over the past 5 years alone, so they wouldn’t even have to try very hard. If even a fraction of the present CalMac fleet could just get themselves there, the Strait would soon become as congested as rock fans at an Oasis gig. In fact, you’d be lucky to get a kayak through.
I will admit, though, that therein lies the sole logistical problem … getting the ferries there on time before the war ends. By way of example, how many times would the brand-new MV Glen Sannox break down on its circuitous journey to the Middle East? My guess would be somewhere between twenty and twenty-five, and that’s only for its port main engine alone. And not only that, but if the on-board cafeteria’s card machine should hit the buffers yet again and the crew forget to bring cash, they might well starve to death en route.
On reflection, then, perhaps my great strategic plan needs a bit more meat put on its bones. So, if you’ll excuse me, I’ll get back to it right away. However, only after I have rebooked my cancelled sailing from Brodick to Troon this coming Friday.
The good news is that I’m now only ninth in the telephone queue.
Don’t think any of there boats would get past Stranraer let alone out of British waters you will need a plan B Ian
It’s time Swinney put his hands up and said we no longer have faith in C MAL and we will come up with new advisors